Let’s talk about STALKING, a criminal offence in all states in Australia. It is with great relief that I finally write about my stalker and the ways I’m dealing with it. Stalkers can come in the form of an ex partner, work colleague, friend or even a stranger and the effects can be extremely damaging but sometimes its hard for others to fully understand the situation victims are in.
There’s always something in a name and I really like the meaning behind the name, Masada = Foundation of strength (Hebrew).
A belief that: I built a life based on strength therefore I shall return to this strength; the foundation of my life; therefore I choose the name Masada when dealing with issues of stalking. This is exactly true.
My stalker is an ex-boyfriend, “S”, an intimate stalker, who is completely obsessed with the notion that ‘I still love him’ and will get back with him. He does not understand the meaning of NO and seems to delight in the fact that I have become a nervous wreck since his continuing violent behaviours. It seems that his idea of a relationship is to DESTROY. This is what I feel he intended for me – not a pleasant journey but he nearly succeeded.
Ok, so what happened and how did he come to be a stalker? Well, I can’t really answer why he does it but after experiencing domestic violence with him for just over a year (yeah I know, stupid me), I woke up, came to my senses and left him…it wasn’t that easy though. Its never easy to walk away from an abusive relationship after having one’s confidence stripped away to the bare minimum. Its common that intimate stalkers are also abusive partners and in my case, it took a while to realise the type of person I was dealing with: an abuser who ticked all the boxes excepting the physical violence box! This was strange indeed as I later found out that he had punched his ex-girlfriend in the mouth and she lost a tooth as a result. When I found this out, I was travelling on the road with him (in the outback, areas of which I had never travelled to but he had) and he had full control over everything and a part of me tried to figure out ways of escaping, “Where’s the bus to the closest regional capital, perhaps I could somehow pack and make tracks?” Who was I kidding? I was under 24/7 surveillance! He’d always manipulate his way to my heart and head therefore I would always forget about the escape routes I quietly planned in my head. He wasn’t physically abusive towards me but was pretty hardcore when it came to financial, social, emotional and psychological abuse…and who knows where it could have led to?? I’m just sooo lucky to have gotten out when I did but that’s where it becomes disturbing – while he’s out there harassing me or loitering outside my parents home at 2am, I’m having nightmares and major anxiety issues that are affecting all facets of my life and my family’s.
I’ve come to realise that I took my power back when I left, and he was not finished with me; he hadn’t taken all my power hence his reason for trying to get me back. Now, its not a loving, fair, accepting, secure partnership he requires; he needs power over someone else to be able to operate effectively in the community. My power WAS HIS POWER!
Basically, he needs someone:
- who is vulnerable, lacking in self-confidence;
- to brainwash;
- to fully control and monitor movements; and
- to use for his needs and personal gain.
He cannot be unsuccessful at something he was always successful at (abuse/domestic violence) and until he finds a new entity to control (I really don’t want anyone else to go through what I had to) he will continue to stalk me. Its a fact I must accept because he has not left me in peace for one day.
Anyway, I went to the Magistrates in Perth CBD to obtain a Violence Restraining Order (VRO) in July 2012. The order was never served as he was quite the elusive cat when the police rocked up several times at the place he lived plus the other people that lived there protected him. Dad, mum and I attended the police station to push them and a few phone calls were made but nothing was done about it and I slowly got back into the swing of life feeling confident that he would leave me alone. I don’t really want to go into the nitty gritty of things because ALOT happened in between (I got trapped by him again just after taking one of his desperate calls – for 6 weeks and apparently this is common for people to re-connect with an intimate – , he had also moved, there were family tensions and my eldest brother refuses to talk to me, etc…the list goes on). To cut a long story short, it has been over 8 months now of no communication on my part but he continues to harass me by sending emails and stalk and make phone calls to the parental home. Yes, I changed my phone number but I rarely use the mobile now – it gives me no incentive and I am constantly losing it anyway or the battery runs out and I just don’t care because I don’t go out anymore and am now socially at my lowest!! I’ve lost interest in ALL activities that I enjoyed in the past. I’ve taken leave from uni and not working. My face is still of another shape for which I do not recognise and the harder I try to rid my mind of him, the harder it is for me to heal. Pre-existing depression and anxiety have worsened. There’s so much more to this saga but I simply do not know how to slot everything into here so you could better understand the predicament I am placed in but I’m sure if you “get the drift,” then you know where I’m coming from…
That’s it for me today; hope to shed some more light on events as they come to hand. I’m interested in your stories or feedback too. So, for you out there going through similar scenarios, keep your head up, eyes peeled, ears open, stay strong, and talk about it. If you have to take drastic measures, do it before its too late…last but not least, TAKE CARE! No means No!
Love from Liz Masada xom
Love; Strength: Unity